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Probably My Most Creative Piece Yet!

I need to motivate myself to get a job, as I appear to be stuck in a rut. So I’ve decided to chronicle my efforts on this blog so I can reflect on my progress and ask myself if I’m trying hard enough.

I’ve got a few irons in the fire at the mo, which I will probably write about at some point. Today I’ve applied for this vacancy I’ve seen at a local brewery…..

“GROUP TELESALES ADMINISTRATOR

This is a superb opportunity to work within a financially secure environment on a permanent basis for the largest independent On Trade Drinks Wholesale Company in the UK. This is a successful business looking for a key person to grow the business with them and to play a significant role in the development of the Company’s Group Telesales Service.

Quality is very important you will expected to have drive and the ability to manage a team of 12 Telesales Operators based at 8 depots across the North of England. You will be managing weekly outgoing telesales calls to maximise regular orders from our 3000 existing clients from the Pub, Club, Restaurant and Hotel sector. Experience of Trinity Sales Order Processing or other similar system will be an advantage. The very highest standards of Customer Service are a pre-requisite of the role together with methodical and prompt administration.

The successful candidate will be used to working in a driven sales environment, have a lively and friendly personality and have a desire to be involved and work towards agreed targets for clients and the Company. A competitive remuneration package is on offer.”

Looks alreet dunnit? They don’t mention salary in their advert but managing 12 staff has got to pay something decent hasn’t it? So, today I set about compiling my application. I tend to submit a different CV with every application as I adapt it to suit the role I’m applying for. I often in fact just about always fabricate my work history. It shows initiative. I also distinctly remember reading somewhere that 8 out of 10 cats (who expressed a preference) wouldn’t sack someone who lied on their CV if they were performing well in the job.

Anyway, it’s not my CV that’s the purpose of this post. It’s the covering letter. It’s an absolutely beauty, at least I think so anyway. Feel free to leave me a comment if you think not. It took me about half an hour to come up with this little gem and it’s overflowing with ‘dynamic’ business buzz-words! It goes like this….

Dear Mr. Rodwell,

Re: Vacancy for Group Telesales Administrator

I am writing to apply for the above vacancy that I have seen advertised on the Wakefield Express recruitment website recently, and have attached my CV to this letter.

I have nearly twenty years experience of working in a target-driven business to business telesales environment, including ten years of managing teams of telesales staff. I communicate clearly and effectively at all levels and enjoy being part of a team where motivation of others is paramount. I am customer-focussed and will always strive to exceed the customer’s expectations on every occasion.

One of my greatest strengths as a salesperson has been accurate and methodical administration, as I believe that being organised is a cornerstone of success. I have strong IT skills fuelled by an interest in computers and experience of working within the IT sector. Although I have not previously used Trinity Sales Order Processing software, I have used various different packages for order processing and managing contact with customers and find that I am quite adept at learning new software.

The main reason that I am applying for this role is because your advert seems to present an opportunity for me to play a key role in driving a business forward. I have recently been made redundant by my last employer so I am looking for a new challenge that I can commit to in the long-term that will utilise my key strengths and help me to realise my potential.

I am available for interview at any time given adequate notice. I hope you will agree that I am an ideal candidate for this role; therefore I hope to hear from you in the near future.

Yours sincerely,

Richard Hill.

Good, eh? And if you think that’s good (or maybe you don’t) then here’s a snippet from the accompanying CV......

Account Manager/Administrator

January 2005 – February 2008 – G***** Solutions Ltd. ****** *** *****, *********, Leeds LS** 4**

Primarily my job was to work as part of the sales team, where I made outbound telesales calls to businesses in the SME sector to sell IT hardware, software, consumables and services. Initially I cold called to provide quotations and close sales. I then maintained contact on an agreed time-cycle to build relationships and introduce new products. I used Microsoft Outlook to build a prospect database and manage contact, and used Sage Line 50 to process sales orders.

As G***** were a new start-up business when I joined I was frequently asked to undertake tasks outside of my normal job role. These included general administration work – creating new product codes and customer/supplier records on Sage Line 50, and also dealing with purchase invoices and generating sales invoices.

Telesales Team Manager

August 1998 -May 2004 – C******** Imaging Products, ***** *****, *********, Leeds LS** 4**

C******** were the sister company to my previous employer L****** Computer Supplies. They produced remanufactured laser toner and inkjet cartridges which were sold exclusively through the L****** sales force to business end-users. I was seconded to Carbonarc to set up a new team of telesales staff to sell C******** products into the reseller channel, adopting a role similar to that at L******. I was involved in the initial recruitment and training of staff, setting targets, and collecting data for reports to the Sales Director.

My position was made redundant when the parent company hit financial difficulties causing the group to go into receivership.

Telesales Team Manager

August 1993 – July 1998 - L****** Computer Supplies Ltd. ***** *****, *********, Leeds LS** 4**

In this position I managed a team of 8-10 staff whose job role was outbound telesales to SME’s selling printer consumables and magnetic media. My day-to-day duties included launching promotions to motivate staff, providing product and selling skills training in a group situation as well as individual (side-by-side) coaching. I was responsible for target setting which covered gross profit, number of calls made, number of new accounts opened etc. and was also involved in the recruitment process, staff appraisals, and dealing with any disciplinary issues that arose. I collected data on staff performance which was presented to the Sales Director in a monthly management meeting.

So there you have it! I shall let you know the outcome....let’s hope they don’t read this blog first!

How to Download Music, Films, TV Shows and Software For Free Using Bit-torrent

I recently explained to a friend how to use bit-torrent file-sharing to download movies, tv shows, music and software for free from the pirate sites, so I thought I might as well posy my explanation here for anyone who wants to know.

OK, first off you need a 'client' to download with. You can get it here: http://www.utorrent.com/downloads It's nothing complex or long-winded, it installs in seconds. You might get a security alert from Windows firewall or your anti-virus software during the install as it needs to open a port for connections, so click to allow access.

There are loads of torrent trackers on the web. There's a search engine here that's pretty good: http://isohunt.com/ Isohunt searches most of the trackers so you will usually find what you want on there. Just put the name of the movie into the search box – you know the drill.

OK here's an example – follow this link: http://isohunt.com/torrents/true+blood?ihs1=4&iho1=d&iht=-1&ihp=2

That's a torrent search for True Blood You see the numbers on the right hand side in the S and L columns? Well S stands for seeders and L stands for leechers. The beauty of bit-torrent is that you connect to loads of people not just one. Seeders have 100% of the file you want. Leechers have some of the file but not all of it but will share what they have until everyone has 100% and becomes a seeder. Generally speaking you will get faster downloads from the torrents with the highest numbers in those two columns. If it's a 0 in the S column then avoid it.

OK, so click on the torrent you want – I recommend the third one down on that page 'Season 1 complete' that has over 1800 seeders. It's a good idea to read the comments tab as some torrents are fake, password protected until you've signed up on their website etc. If it's genuine click 'download torrent', then you get a dialog box, choose a folder to save it to and click save. Now open the utorrent client (double-click on the green u in the system tray.) Click file, open, then go to the folder you saved the torrent file in and select your torrent then click open. Utorrent should create a folder in your My Docs called downloads so that's where it will download to.

Downloads will start slowly but get faster as you make more connections. How fast depends on your connection speed, mine is 8MB and I can get a full-length film in under an hour. If there's less seeders it could take several hours so don't expect miracles – it's a good idea to plan what you want to watch tomorrow tonight and start downloading it tonight to avoid disappointment! Torrents sometimes download faster if you limit the upload speed as upload uses more bandwidth than download (I think!) Right click on the torrent in utorrent, then go down to Bandwidth Allocation, Set Upload Limit.....I normally limit mine at 25.0kbps then switch it back to unlimited once it's completed.

If a torrent contains several files e.g. the True Blood torrent you can set priorities on what should download first. It makes sense to get episode 1 first rather than waiting for the whole series to download. In utorrent highlight the torrent at the top, then click on the 'files' tab half way down. Right-click on episode 1, go to Set Priority, High. It will now download episode 1 first.

It's file-sharing etiquette to let things seed for a while after they've completed, especially if there's a low number of seeders, so please bear that in mind. I'm sorry if I've made this sound extremely complicated but honestly it's not, it's simple. You can get almost any film that's in the cinemas now, albums are uploaded as soon as they're released, plus you can get software, books, TV shows, porn if you're into that sort of thing which obviously I'm not.

Here's some more torrent sites to search on, or you can even use Google – just put the name of whatever you're searching for followed by the word 'torrent'.

http://thepiratebay.org/

http://www.fulldls.com/

http://www.torrentbox.com/

http://www.torrentreactor.net/

Happy file-sharing!

Some food for thought.

Here's something to make you think. A question for you……Imagine it's time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three candidates:

Candidate A.
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 Martinis a day.

Candidate B.
He's been kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whisky every evening.

Candidate C.
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, he doesn't smoke, he drinks an occasional beer and has never committed adultery.

Which candidate would you vote for?

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

Update

Just a quick update on my last blog entry. I've had another e-mail from my landlady (though there's still no letter from the building management company) and she's told me who made a complaint……..a guy called Ben Coward who lives upstairs. I was correct in saying he's an owner occupier but get this…….he's a copper! For fuck's sake! Seems like he's bringing his work home with him! Bloody coppers, who's policing them that's what I want to know!

Anyway, the upshot of this saga is my landlady now knows about Tricky. She said it 'wouldn't necessarily be a problem' if I did have a dog but I've not heard from her since I replied. I hope all is OK.

A Nightmare Walking

Well, just a little update as to what's going on in my life. Perhaps I should explain the title first. I set up a Twitter profile today, fuck knows why but anyway, there was a box on the profile inviting me to 'describe myself in less than 180 characters.' I'm frigging useless at those profile thingies, I normally go down the route of self-depreciation but I'm not very good at it (it's OK I can wait for you to catch up, take a minute, read that last sentence again, think about it. Oh God, do I have to explain? Self-depreciation……putting yourself down……I'm not very good at it…..get it?) So anyway, an old skool hardcore rave track that I used to stomp to (big fish little fish) popped into my head and I put 'I am a nightmare walking.' Cos to be honest, that's how I see myself. So there, that's the title explained, and for extra clarity here's the track…..

I got an e-mail from my landlady today - rather than explain, read it for yourself:

'I was talking to the new managing agent this morning and she was telling me about the new front door. She sounds very competent which is a massive improvement on the previous agent which I'm very pleased about. She did mention that she has written to you about some rubbish outside your front door, muddy boots and a dog. Apparently there has been a complaint to Sam (at the agent), from another tenant/owner which I wasn't aware of until she mentioned this in passing. Have you received the letter yet and should I be worried?'

I should explain that I live in an old chapel that has been converted into flats and there is a management company that looks after the building. I haven't received a letter as yet but I'm gobsmacked that someone has complained about the fact that I left my boots outside the flat door when I came in from a muddy dogwalk the other day. What's the problem? And as for rubbish outside the door....if I change the kitchen bin I put the bin liner outside the door until next time I leave the building, then I take it round to the wheelie bins. Bearing in mind I leave the building a bare minimum of three times a day to walk the dog, rubbish has never been outside my door for more than a couple of hours. And it's tied up in a bin liner, for fuck's sake. I just can't believe that somebody actually rung the management company to complain about this. And what's the problem with the dog? He's never bothered anyone, he's house-trained, I just don't get it! If someone has a problem with my boots outside the door then take it up with me. If they have a problem with the dog, take it up with him!

Anyway, I've no idea who has complained but as I was leaving on a dogwalk earlier tonight a couple came in and gave Tricky filthy looks. Maybe it's them. From my landlady's e-mail it could be that they're owners and not tenants, so maybe they think they've got some right over the whole building. Bollocks. I really hope I get that letter. Fucking do-gooders. I'm so sorry for being a humble tenant, I'm just not good enough to be a property owner like them, they're much better people than me. Bollocks. Twats.

OK, rant over.

No it's not. £72.00 for a passport? What the fuck? £72.00? How do they work that one out? It's a little book with a little photo of me (photo provided by me at extra cost, no expense to them) then laminated. Total cost of materials......pence. How do they get away with charging £72.00 for it? Twats.

Grrrr. It's me and the dog against the world at the moment.

Anyway, in the words of my ex-girlfriend, I'm going to leave you now. But after searching for that rave track I then searched for another one and this is a real stomper. Me and my mate used to go mental on the dance floor when this got mixed in. Comingonstrongcomingonstrongcomingonstrong.....letshaveanotherE.....comingonstrongcomingonstrongcomingonstrong.....ecstacy!

Check it out....play it loud.

Why I have a dog and not a wife.

1. The later I am, the more excited the dog is to see me.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find me amusing when I'm drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask: 'If I died, would you get another dog?'
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
13. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff with it.